How to Deal with Parents Treating Other Siblings Better

This article was co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC. Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.

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It can be frustrating when you feel like your parents are treating your siblings better than you. Before you get too upset, though, recognize that you and your sibling have different interests, hobbies, and skills, and might need to be parented differently. In cases of clear and obvious preferential treatment, try to show your parents their behavior and share how it makes you feel. Heal yourself of the emotional scars you might have after being treated badly by your parents, and seek counselling if necessary.

Talking to Your Parents

• If you're worried about someone reading it, try hiding it somewhere or ripping it up into tiny unreadable pieces over the recycling bin.
• You can also draft a letter if you don't think you can handle talking face-to-face.

• During a long car ride
• After dinner
• On a neighborhood walk
• While doing a simple chore (like folding laundry) together

• "I feel left out lately. Sometimes I feel like you're so busy taking care of the baby that you don't have enough time for me, but when I try to get attention, you yell at me."
• "I feel hurt sometimes when I try to make plans to spend time with you and they get canceled, and then I see you hanging out with Arthur. It makes me feel like I don't matter as much to you."
• "I know that Kaja is going through a rough time lately and I'm glad you're there for her. I don't know if you realized that I'm struggling too. I would like to be able to talk to you about it, but sometimes I worry that you don't have time for me."

Keep in mind: Some people cry during these conversations. That's normal, and it shows your parent(s) that this is really affecting you. Let them comfort you. And if you want to plan ahead, pick a conversation spot where there are tissues nearby.

• "You went to almost all of John's football games last season, but you only attended one of my volleyball games. Why is that?"
• "The last time Imani got sick, you were always bringing her food, comforting her, and checking in on her. When I got sick last week, you left me alone. It made me feel like I didn't matter."
• "Lee got to use the car right away when he turned 16. But when I asked, you said no. Did you have a specific reason for that?"
• "I saw that you gave Olivia an expensive gaming laptop for her birthday. And on my birthday, you gave me a cheap tablet. I don't mean to be materialistic, but at the same time, I felt let down."

Tip: Be prepared to hear the other side of the story if you bring up examples. Sometimes they'll explain that your sibling truly needed them more or that your behavior didn't justify extra privileges. The cause might not be favoritism.

• "Could you please try to show up to more of my games? I feel so happy knowing you're there to cheer me on."
• "I would like to be closer to you. Maybe we could take more walks in the evening? What do you think?"
• "I understand what you mean when you say you're really busy lately. What if I kept you company and helped out when you did chores?"
• "If I helped Annie with her homework more often, would that help give you time for your to-do list so there would be time for us to play games sometimes?"
• "I agree that Tom's music lessons are good for him and I'm glad he's getting them. Would you be willing to consider getting me martial arts lessons? I'd like to learn something too and I've always loved the idea of getting stronger and more disciplined."

• If you feel upset by the conversation, then try taking a break and do some deep breathing. Try saying something like, “I will be right back. I just need a few minutes.”
• Remember that you can always try again another day if you feel like you weren't able to get your ideas across.

• You can't change other people. [2] X Research source You can only control your own behavior.
• They may need time to think first. Give it to them. You can talk about this again another time.
• Sometimes people are willing to change their behavior. If your parent starts treating you more fairly, accept that this is a genuine choice and be willing to start forgiving.

Handling Continued Favoritism

• "Scapegoating" is when people act like something is your fault even though it isn't. They may even convince you that you're to blame. Remember that you control your behavior, and that other people control their own behavior.
• Try visualization exercises. For example, if you think a negative thought about yourself, imagine it written on a balloon. Then picture letting go of the balloon and watching it float away into nothingness.
• A journal can help you work through your feelings.

• Work on assertive and non-aggressive phrasing. Think about how your words could affect others and plan accordingly.
• Let out anger through exercise, journaling, scribbling on and/or ripping up paper, smashing ice cubes in the bathtub, singing to loud music, or otherwise safely releasing emotion.
• Script assertive phrases like "I don't like the way you're treating me" or "If you keep calling me names, I'm going to leave."

• Work on your skills. Practice things that you like and are good at (or will become good at). This can help build your faith in yourself.
• Provide encouragement for yourself. Every day when you wake, look in the mirror and say, “I have a life worth living and many people like me.”
• Surround yourself with friends who care about you. Lean on them for support when you’re feeling blue.
• Remember that not everything your parents (or you!) say or think is true.

• A good relationship tends to feel good. Hanging out with the person usually makes you feel happy or calm, not stressed. It isn't scary or confusing.
• Remember, real love is given selflessly, without any expectation of anything in return.
• Stay far away from cults, gangs, romantic relationships with much older people, and other unsafe situations. While you might feel like someone finally cares about you, that caring can come with danger and/or toxic baggage.

• Your parent(s) chose the favoritism. Your sibling didn't.
• If your sibling is old enough to understand what’s going on, talk to them about how your parents are mistreating you. Seek their advice and encourage them to speak up on your behalf.
• Being the favorite child has downsides too. The favoritism may harm their social skills and attitude. They may hide or change who they are in order to keep their parents' approval, which can hurt their sense of identity. Some of them develop guilt or anxiety problems. [7] X Research source [8] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source[9] X Research source

Stop laughing off concerns. "I'm 10 years old, and every day when I try telling my mom that my sister is mean to me, she laughs it off and tells me, "The devil is playing with my mind." After reading this, I realized I need to clearly explain how my sister's behavior makes me feel, rather than accusing her. I will ask my mom if we can have a calm discussion about setting fair expectations for both me and my sister." - Aliaa N.

Validate emotions, not excuses. "I'm 12 and feel so frustrated that my mom always assumes I'm "exaggerating" when I say my sister doesn't get punished for things I would. This article showed me I need to focus the conversation on my feelings rather than accusing my sister, so my mom truly hears me instead of getting defensive." - Lea K.

Seek outside support. "I'm 10 years old and feel neglected when my mom favors my siblings by not feeding me and making me clean up after them. The tips here on identifying emotional abuse gave me the courage to talk to a counselor at school about getting help. I don't have to accept mistreatment." - Mike P.

Gain insight on family dynamics. "As a middle child, I've started noticing my younger brother seems to be my parents' favorite. Reading about how birth order impacts favoritism helped me understand what might be underlying the differential treatment instead of feeling it's somehow my fault." - Aleeya C.

Have an empathetic talk. "My partner favors his youngest child, and it breaks my heart when his 10-year-old asks why. This article equipped me to compassionately discuss with my partner how his behavior makes his son feel, rather than attacking him as a parent. Our talk opened his eyes to unintended harm." - Jessy J.

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• Stay organized. Make a separate folder for homework (homework to do on one side, homework to turn in on the other). Try helpful apps like "The Complete Class Organizer" and iHomework for your phone or tablet. They can help you stay organized and manage your time.
• Show up to every class and take good notes.
• Ask questions when you are confused or don’t understand something.

• Be responsible. Do your best with school and chores. If you're struggling with that, talk to a parent, mentor, or school counselor about what to do.
• Follow the family rules. Don't break them just for fun. If the rules feel unfair, have a talk about it.
• Try not to pick fights or yell at people. If you get upset, walk away and say you need a break.
• Be assertive when you feel upset. Say "I want," "I feel," and "I need" instead of yelling or acting out.
• Ask for help when things go wrong. If you can't fix it yourself, tell someone what's happening. Ask for their advice and support.
• Apologize when you mess up. You'll make mistakes. (Everyone does.) Be fair, say you're sorry, and try to do better next time.
• Try to be fair to everyone. That includes your parent(s), your sibling(s), and yourself. Don't be such a people pleaser that you forget to be fair to yourself too.

Keep in mind: You are going to struggle and have bad days. That doesn't mean you deserve to be treated badly. Being good to your parent(s) can help improve your relationship. But they still have to choose to be good to you too. And if they won't, that's not your fault.

• CBT helps you face your negative thoughts with logic. Not every thought you have is true. A CBT therapist can teach you to challenge thoughts that are unfair or wrong. [12] X Research source The goal is to change your thoughts and coping mechanisms to be more helpful.
• Talk to a doctor or counselor if you think you may have signs of depression.